Sylvia Jones, mother of a boy and a girl in their elementary years, feels like she is always on the run. “Go, go, go go!” she says when we chat. Parenting was not always that way. When we were kids our moms shooed us outside to go find our friends. What is happening now that makes parents feel stress and guilt – stress for doing many activities with their children (music, religious training, soccer and more) and guilt for not doing enough (most parents hold jobs). How did we get here?
The marketplace – we call it the Parent Industrial Complex – tells parents what they need to buy to make their children geniuses, what activities children should be signed up for (French by 18 months!), and how to guarantee that they cram as much in their children’s heads as they can before … what? Before they apply to college of course! But kids’ heads aren’t on a hinge that you can open and pour in information. And, more crucially, we want our children to be more than their brains. We want them to have a good life too, with personal relationships that succor their souls and people who like them.
It is possible to exit the rat race of parenting and discover the joy that parenting holds. How could that happen? First, parents need to know more about the science of how children develop. They also need to understand their limited power over how their children turn out. They cannot shape their children into doctors, lawyers, or industrial chiefs. All kids are different. And all kids (and parents) need to play. The time spent at home without running to the next activity is a time for children to figure out what they like and who they are.
Second, parents need to be reassured that they can stop being CEO parents. Parents need to escape the CEO mindset of “I have to manage my kids every waking moment if they are to succeed.” This does not mean that extracurricular activities are verboten; kids can still have activities parents take them to. But if parents are armed with information about how brain wiring, math, language and reading and other skills develop, they can feel less panicky about making sure their kids are having the experiences they need to develop on a par with their peers. And parents should not compare themselves to the Smiths down the block whose 3-year-old is being taught to read. Research tells us that kids who learn to read at three will not be better readers than those kids who learn at 6, when they are supposed to, in school, and can actually understand what they are reading!
Finally, parents can gently nurture children’s personal and preparatory skills at home. As the science tells us, children learn best through playful learning in which they can spread their wings and pursue their interests. And parents will feel less stressed when they recognize that playing with their kids (we don’t mean constantly) is all kids need to learn important things in the most natural way. Consider building blocks. When parents build with their kids they offer spatial language (words like over under and through) without thinking about it. Spatial language relates to how children do in math. Think about reading with your child as opposed to handing them a tablet. You are the only one who can follow your child’s pointing finger and have conversations about how the book links up to their lives. Children are learning about letters, story structure, and real-life events when they read with you. When they enter school, children who have spatial skills and know about narrative are advantaged over their peers.
In our book Einstein Never Used Flash Cards, we offer a roadmap for parents, caregivers, and teachers so that all children can become happy, healthy, social, smart, creative and confident as they flourish in and out of school. We also offer the mantra: Reflect, Resist, and Recenter to help parents say no to those extracurricular activities that will take away from their children’s downtime.
Parents who nurture curiosity as they let their children explore and discover will have exceptional children, children who love to learn and who learn to care about others. These parents give children the gift of agency (with boundaries!), as they make time for their children to play.
Unidel H. Rodney Sharp Professor, School of Education, University of Delaware.
Author of 'Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: Why Children Should Play More and Memorize Less'